Overview
Growing up in New Orleans, I watched a lot of TV. I’ve always loved sitcoms like Living Single, Sister Sister, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and Girlfriends. Any sitcom that showed the shenanigans of daily life complete with a laugh track — and robust dating lives. Good or bad, they had them. So naturally, as I watched them in adolescence, I assumed my adult dating life would be somewhat similar. So much so I made a podcast about it! I imagined it would be filled with hot guys meeting me at my front door to take me on a date and then gabbing with my friends about it afterward (complete with a background crowd going Oooooo). Maybe even a friend or two watching my date from across the room behind a big newspaper as it happened, just to make sure everything was going according to plan. In reality, my dating life has not been like a sitcom. There haven’t been any meet-cutes in the grocery store. There’s been no laugh track. There’s hardly been any dates at all. This year, a week before my 36th birthday, I realized I had not been on a date for three years.
This fact hit me like a ton of bricks, and I cried for two days straight. My last committed relationship ended over 10 years ago, and I haven’t seriously dated anyone since 2018. I’m “chronically single” and I feel deep grief about it. I’m not ashamed to be single, nor do I believe I will never find love. I’m certainly not Carrie Bradshaw in Season 4, of Sex And The City: when through a series of unfortunate events everyone misses her 35th birthday dinner. When they finally catch up with her, she admits that she has never felt more alone and despite having her friends, she says “it felt really sad not to have a man in my life who cares about me. No special guy to wish me a happy birthday. No goddamn soulmate.” Charlotte suggests that they are all each other’s soulmates. And while Carrie accepts that sentiment, we all know it goes in one ear and out the other once Big [her on/off boyfriend] shows up. While I’m 36 and didn’t have a special man to spend my birthday with, I don’t feel soulmate-less. I have my forever life mates.
I already have a plan to live in a nursing home with two of my oldest best friends when the time comes. I’m fortunate to have a wealth of familial and platonic love; without it, I would be in much worse shape. What exists right now for me is a lack of romantic love, and with it, a very real feeling of grief. Grief for the life I have not been able to live. Grief over the love I missed out on in my 20s and now my early 30s. Grief for the good dates I did not have, or the bad dates I did not get to learn from. Grief for consistently feeling unloved, undesired, and unseen.
I know I’m not alone in this. Recently, one of my fellow single friends commiserated that being “chronically single” is, in fact, harder than people who have not had this issue understand, and that’s why they are dismissive of our feelings. When coupled up friends tell me, “love will find you when you least expect it,” they want the best for me and just want to save me from feelings of sadness and rejection. But it only makes me feel more rejected and unheard. The spiral of confusion, frustration, and grief starts again. My friend also identified it as grief we are mourning as “chronically single” people. We mourn what never was, even without having it.
I know love is possible, but this is not just about love or getting married. It’s about feeling the small-yet-joyous things: cuddling; romantic affection; spending aimless time with someone and holding hands with them. The ups and downs of meeting new potential partners. The butterflies you get in your stomach when you have a crush who likes you back! The grief I feel also comes from realizing that I do not get these things, even though I know I deserve them. I deserve to be loved, desired, and seen — everyone does. We all deserve romantic love and intimacy, and going without it can sometimes make you feel unworthy, even when you are not. I feel sadness and confusion — am I doing something wrong? Am I not worthy?
This is nothing new, of course; dating has been in steady decline for many women, especially those who live in big cities. Los Angeles, where I currently live, has been cited as one of the worst dating cities. According to Time Out’s 2025 survey, only 26% of L.A. locals think dating is great. I would love to meet that 26%! I have had multiple people suggest I move — but would packing up my entire life to move to a new place, starting all over again in the hopes of going on a date, be a very feasible solution? Dating has been an issue for me before I even moved to L.A. I’m a Black woman, and even though we are the most amazing beings, statistically dating is harder for us.
I think the current dating landscape is not just hard for me, but so many other women. I bet you’re thinking: Girl, get on a dating app! Yes, dating apps are the main way people go on dates, and maybe I’m blocking my blessings by not having profiles. Truthfully, I quit dating apps (three years ago) when it took me a year of being on them to get one date with a man who insulted how I looked, and told me that no matter what, a man should always make the decisions. No, thanks.
Details
Truthfully, I would love to meet someone in person. It seemed much easier for the characters in sitcoms to meet other people, partly because of third spaces in shows. Ranging from coffee shops to bowling alleys, they were able to interact, mix and mingle with those outside of the core group. More third spaces. More dates. The Girlfriends had the Blue Bar, Friends had Central Perk, and even Lizzie McGuire had the Digital Bean. With the growing lack of third spaces this has become harder to accomplish. No weeknight trips to the bowling alley or standing appointment for post-work happy hour. When I speak to other single women about the possibility of an IRL meet-cute, we all seem to think the same thing: be it a party or community activity, it is mostly occupied by other women. I have been to a few speed dating/dating events where the organizers are begging men to sign up. I’ve even been turned away because there were simply not enough men signed up for the number of women. When I once asked a guy why men don’t like to go to these events, his response was that they feel intimidated. But isn’t dating intimidating for everyone? Aren’t we all nervous? I thought that’s what made dating an adventure.
This adventure I’m looking for requires vulnerability. I believe in 2026, we are scared to be vulnerable — including me. I can admit that my lack of dating experience has caused me to put up a few walls. On the off chance I do get to flirt with a man in the wild, I’m always braced for rejection. I dream of the day that one of my friends comes to me and says, “I have a guy I think you should meet.” I routinely check in with my coupled friends, single friends, and even my coworkers on this front. They go on to say they either don’t know any single men or don’t have anyone “good enough” for me to meet. While that could be true, I think the truth is they don’t want to disappoint me or be caught in the middle if it doesn’t work out. While I appreciate the caution, but unless he is a living breathing red flag, shouldn’t I be the judge of that?
After turning 36, and crying for two days straight, I took a couple of deep breaths and told myself I didn’t have to be over my sad feelings yet. I’m the only one who can hold my grief and feelings. What does it mean to be alone? What does it mean to be “chronically single”? It means recognizing and accepting them. Giving them space to be. One day, I will not have these feelings, but today, at this big age of 36, I’m sad. Luckily, I can binge Living Single. Finding solace in knowing that my character arc is still being written and join in the laughter of the laugh track as my favorite characters go on dates and gab at the end of the episodes. As the theme song goes, “I’m glad I got my girls.”
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Originally published at www.refinery29.com.